


Severus Snape and the Temple of the Lost Raiders of the Covenant of the Mummy's Grail

by McKay



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-20
Updated: 2017-05-20
Packaged: 2018-11-03 01:58:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,067
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10957308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/McKay/pseuds/McKay
Summary: A meta-fictional romp in the world of action/adventure parody.





	Severus Snape and the Temple of the Lost Raiders of the Covenant of the Mummy's Grail

**Author's Note:**

> Written in 2002. Response to the Snape Fuh-Q Fest easy pairing challenge of Snape/Lucius Malfoy. This is unabashedly silly, and an homage to the Indiana Jones films, and The Mummy films. One line of Sirius' dialogue is a paraphrase of one of my favorite film villains, Belloq's line to Indiana Jones in "Raiders of the Lost Ark".

THE SCENE OPENS on a jungle. Thick, lush, velvety green. The foliage is rich and untouched; exotic birds sing in the distance, and insects chirr, hidden beneath wide leaves and delicate petals. A lone figure stands in a clearing, silhouetted by the sun. He is dressed in black -- loose black trousers, sturdy black hiking boots, black leather jacket, and a black shirt as well -- and his left hand is poised over the wand tucked into his belt. He turns just enough that a single shaft of light falls across his face, and we see the familiar sneer of SEVERUS SNAPE. The birds and insects go silent. A low growl emerges from the thick underbrush -- and suddenly, a strange and hideous beast explodes into sight, snarling, its sharp claws lashing at the figure, who has whipped out his wand with lightning reflexes, aiming it at the charging beast.

Snape: "Petrificus totalis!"

The beast freezes and falls to the ground, mid-attack.

PAN TO another figure, stepping into the light. He is tall with white-blond hair, pale eyes, and his rosebud mouth is fixed in a pout.

Lucius: "Are we there yet?"

SNAPE stares at him.

Snape: "Remind me why I shouldn't just kill you, leave your body as carrion for the scavengers, and tell the Dark Lord that you met with an unfortunate, but messy accident?"

Lucius: (smirking) "Because the Dark Lord _told_ you to bring me along. If something nasty happens to _me_ on this expedition, something nasty will happen to _you_ when you return."

Snape: "I don't see why he wanted you to come anyway. You're of no use."

Lucius: "Because he doesn't trust you to carry out this mission without betraying him."

Snape: "So you're spying on me."

Lucius: (leering) "Yes, but that doesn't mean we can't have a good time."

SNAPE rolls his eyes and starts magically hacking his way through the jungle overgrowth again. LUCIUS sulks along behind, walking in the cleared swathe SNAPE cuts.

Lucius: "What are we looking for, anyway?"

Snape: "Oh, for God's sake, if you're going to provide exposition for the audience, couldn't you at least be more subtle about it?"

Lucius: "Look, it's not _my_ fault I have to do this. If the writer weren't such a slavering Snape lover, it would be _me_ acting all cool and heroic, not you."

Snape: "You'd have to find another writer for that. This one doesn't much care for you."

Lucius: (snippy) "Maybe I will!"

SNAPE stops hacking through the jungle and shakes his head, his look almost one of pity.

Snape: "No, you can't. This is a challenge fic, all right? You're stuck, I'm stuck, we're all stuck until it's over." (He waves his wand menacingly) "So just shut up and do that British stiff upper lip thing until we reach the end."

SNAPE begins his trek again, and LUCIUS follows, grumbling under his breath.

Lucius: (sulkily) "You never did tell me what we're looking for."

Snape: (giving a long-suffering sigh) "We're looking for the lost temple of Irt.

Lucius: "Why?"

Snape: "Because that's where we'll find the statue of the long-forgotten god, Purv."

Lucius: "So?"

Snape: "So the Dark Lord wants it."

Lucius: "Why?"

Snape: "Because of the power it can bring him."

LUCIUS shows the first signs of real interest.

Lucius: (eagerly) "Can it destroy Harry Potter from afar? Can it smite the Dark Lord's enemies, like that doddering fool, Dumbledore? Will it bring him ultimate power to rule the world? Will it give him immortality at last?"

Snape: "No, apparently it's just the supernatural equivalent of Viagra."

Lucius: (aghast) "All this, just so the Dark Lord can get a divine hard-on?"

SNAPE shrugs, stops, and pulls out a map. After consulting it, he peers around, his eyes narrowed speculatively. LUCIUS leans against a tree and complains about the heat and bugs under his breath.

Snape: "If my calculations are correct, the entrance to the lost temple of Irt should be around here somewhere."

Lucius: (glancing around) "Where?"

Snape: "For God's sake, will you get off your lazy, aristocratic arse for five minutes and help me look? For all I know, you could be standing on it!"

LUCIUS draws himself up haughtily, an impressive accomplishment, considering his finely tailored suit is a tattered, filthy wreck, and he's got dirt smudges all over his face.

Lucius: "I will not be spoken to in that way, you insignificant little plebe. I don't care how pure your bloodline is, you've got the manners of a Muggle, and I won't stand for this kind of treatment any longer! The Dark Lord can stick this mission where the lumos spell won't shine if he thinks I'm going to put up with this. I -- iiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

SNAPE strolls over to the gaping pit which was hidden until LUCIUS stepped on it when he tried to make his Grand Exit.

Snape: (friendly, conversational tone) "Ah, I see you've found the entrance, then. Well done."

Conjuring a rope and grapple, SNAPE lowers himself to join LUCIUS, who is glaring at him, tapping his foot impatiently as he waits at the bottom. The cave they find themselves in is suitably dark and gloomy with ominous water-drips echoing off the dank walls. Rats scurry amid piles of debris, which includes human bones. LUCIUS glances around, obviously unimpressed.

Lucius: "Huh. Looks like my dungeon." (runs his finger along the wall and sneers when it comes away covered in dust and cobwebs) "But at least my house elves keep the place spotless. Amateurs."

Snape: "Look, there could be sudden, excruciating death hovering all around us, so just keep the interior decorating comments to yourself and look for traps."

LUCIUS pokes at a loose stone set in the face of a monstrous idol, and two razor-sharp javelins spring out of the idol's eyes and embed themselves in the wall very near SNAPE'S head.

Lucius: (helpfully) "Like that one?"

SNAPE gives him the Glare of Death. LUCIUS, blissfully oblivious, leaps forward and bounds down the tunnel.

Lucius: "Come on!"

He pelts blithely along, setting off all manner of deadly traps, leaving SNAPE to follow behind and duck, dodge, parry, thrust, and roll away from the various swords, poisoned darts, rolling boulders, and other assorted crushing, slicing, and killing devices going off in LUCIUS' wake.

Snape: (still glaring as he barely escapes being crushed by a swinging wall of spikes) "I. Am. Going. To. Kill. Him."

LUCIUS stops his careless frolic down the corridor and grins.

Lucius: "You can't kill me. I'm your loooooooooooove interest."

Snape: "As a love interest, you lack a certain something."

Lucius: (leering) "On the contrary, I've got quite a marvelous 'something'."

Snape: (quellingly) "I meant an interesting personality."

Lucius: "It's not my fault! It's that damned writer!"

Snape: "Are you going to blame everything on that now?"

Lucius: "I don't see why not. I don't like it here. I want to go back to Darkrose. She likes me."

Snape: "Bitch bitch bitch."

Lucius: (pouting again) "It's not fair. I don't see why _you_ get your own writing fest. I'm prettier."

Snape: (smirking) "It's because I'm a sexy bitch _and_ the Sex God of Slytherin. Now quit whining and help me look for this statue."

Lucius: "I don't know why you're so keen on finding it. It's nothing but a tenuous plot device."

Snape: "Do you want this fic to end so you can go back to your own groupies, or not?"

Lucius: "Oh, all _right_."

They round a corner and find themselves on the threshold of an enormous cavern. From above, a hole in the ceiling allows a single beam of light to cut through the pervasive gloom and shine on an alter in the dead center of the roughly-hewn room. Upon the alter rests a small, squat statue of a chubby man with an enormous erection.

Lucius: "That's it? That's what the Dark Lord sent us into Certain Peril and Possible Death to find? A pornographic paperweight?"

Snape: "A pornographic paperweight with amazing restorative powers."

Lucius: "Well, I've no idea why he'd want it in the first place. Who's he going to shag? That bloody great snake of his? I'm certainly not going to do it. Even if he weren't all creepy and noseless, he's a mudblood. Ew."

Snape: "Don't look at me. I've got my -- er -- hands full, servicing half the male population of Hogwarts."

They look at each other, then at the statue, then at each other again.

Snape and Lucius: (in unison) "Pettigrew."

Snape: "I always knew there was something dodgy about that one."

LUCIUS steps forward.

Lucius: "So let's get it and get out of here. I'm tired, hungry, and it's well past tea time."

SNAPE hisses and grabs his arm to stop him.

Snape: "Are you mad? This will be the most dangerous place of all! It's probably laden with clever traps we've never imagined in our wildest dreams."

LUCIUS shakes SNAPE'S arm off and strides purposefully across the room, grabs the statue, and holds it up for SNAPE to see.

Snape: "It can't be that easy."

Lucius: "Why not?"

Snape: "Because it's _never_ that easy. There's got to be a catch."

Lucius: "You're a paranoid git."

He examines the statue, unaware that out of the shadows behind him, a giant troll has emerged from some unseen antechamber and is brandishing a club over his head.

Lucius: "See? Piece of cake. Now let's--"

Snape: "Behind you!"

LUCIUS ducks, and the club swings across where his head was a moment ago with an audible WOOSH!

Lucius: "Eep!"

LUCIUS takes off running; SNAPE is already well ahead of him, legging it back down the corridor the way they came in. Luckily, the troll is a slow and ponderous creature; they can hear its frustrated roars echoing along the tunnel as they climb the rope out of the pit. SNAPE kicks the grapple out of the ground and into the pit so nothing can follow them back up.

Snape: "Well, that wasn't so bad after all."

They turn and come face-to-face with SIRIUS BLACK, wearing an immaculate white suit and holding a wand.

Sirius: "Well, well, what a pleasant surprise. I'll take that statue, gentlemen."

SIRIUS grabs the statue from LUCIUS and tucks it under one arm, still keeping his wand trained on the two of them.

Sirius: "Professor Dumbledore is quite interested in that artifact."

Lucius: "EW! That's even worse than thinking about the Dark Lord shagging!"

Snape: "No, it's not. I've had him, and what they say about older lovers really is true."

LUCIUS claps both hands over his ears and starts singing tunelessly.

Lucius: "I can't hear you! la la la!"

Sirius: "If you're finished comparing notes, I'll just kill you both and be on my way."

Lucius: "We're going to die! Hold me!"

Snape: "Well, this _is_ supposed to be a slashy challenge fic."

SNAPE wraps his arms around LUCIUS, and they cling to each other dramatically.

Lucius: "I think this is the part where I'm supposed to admit that I acted like a bitch because I'm secretly in love with you."

Snape: "And I'm supposed to admit that behind my surly, macho uber-manliness, I'm really a sentimental guy who is, in fact, secretly in love with you as well."

Lucius: "And of course, it's only the threat of imminent death that makes us willing to rip off the masks we wear out of fear and insecurity, and admit how we really feel without worrying about what the rest of the world might think."

Snape: "Right, so let's take all that as a given and get to the good part, shall we?"

Lucius: (hopefully) "The shagging-with-gratuitous-nudity scene?"

Snape: "The beat-the-hell-out-of-the-bad-guy scene."

Lucius: "Oh."

They charge SIRIUS with their wands upraised, but SIRIUS snaps his fingers, and suddenly, a hoard of pygmy mummies appears and surrounds them.

Sirius: "Maybe one day you'll learn that there is nothing you can have which I cannot take away."

SIRIUS exits, smirking, leaving SNAPE and LUCIUS surrounded by the pygmy mummies, which SNAPE battles with a clever use of his wits and his wand while LUCIUS shrieks and tries -- unsuccessfully -- to shimmy up the nearest tree. After the pygmy mummies have been defeated, SNAPE stands, panting, in a circle of fallen enemies, bloodied, winded, and exhausted.

Malfoy: (whimpering) "I think I broke a nail."

Snape: "Shut up, Malfoy, and pray there's never a sequel to this travesty."

 

-end-


End file.
